Even with the hectic day ahead of him, the news from the radio stymied Johnny as he hurried toward the front door, preventing him from leaving. “Today the US Supreme Court handed down its five to four decision,” the CBC announcer began, “that effective April 1st, citizens and permanent residents over the age of 18 are permitted to defecate only once every twenty-four hours. States are required to pass legislation ensuring compliance.” Johnny broke into a nervous sweat, felt his bowels clench, and rushed back to the toilet, just in time.
Then he felt an extra wave of relief rush over him. This ruling of the court did not apply to his bowel movements here in Canada.
The Supreme Court cited Biblical references from Exodus, Numbers (Number 2 perhaps), Job and from the New Testament’s Revelations, referencing ‘the end times’.
He also learned from the news about another decision made by the same 5 to 4 vote in the bowels of the Supreme Court: laxatives were banned. It’s not God’s will, citing another verse of Exodus, and Mathew 24 6-8 (“…for all these things must come to pass”). Additionally, there was evidence that the Buffalo shooter, Payton Gendron, took Ex Lax just three hours before he went on his rampage. And the High Park July 4 shooter, Robert E. Crimo III, had a dose of Correctol the very day of the shooting.
About to leave again, he was confronted by his twelve year old daughter, Marj. “Dad, what’s going on down there?”
Johnny, confused, glanced at his trousers, “Down where?”
“In the States, Dad, in the Supreme Court, all this business about bowel movements. I mean who gives a s… h… i… t…?” A quick smile followed her spelling pun.
Johnny chuckled, “Well, obviously, some people do care, starting with the five who voted for this decision.”
“But what business does the government have in the bathroom?” Marj jumped in.
“Girl, you could be our next PM! You’re right, of course, but it depends on what you’re taught as a kid, how you’re socialized, and how you learn to accept or question the underlying values.”
“Wait, I don’t understand. Aren’t these justices smart people?”
“Sure they are smart. And two hundred years ago, all the justices were smart, but most of them thought that black people were inferior and treated them as slaves, as property. For things to change, people need to start examining and questioning the ideas, the values they learned as kids.”
With a gleeful twinkle, Marj began, “So I should question the things you taught me when I was a kid?”
“Absolutely, and when you find that I was one hundred percent correct, you can come and thank me. But I won’t hold my breath for that to happen. Let me give you a simple example of how our young brains work.”
“Okay.”
“Imagine you are four or five years old again and I tell you that people with black curly hair often touch their chin with their index finger.”
“You mean like this?” Marj places her index finger on her chin.
“Oh, you’re a quick learner, and you’ve got the black curly stuff to boot! So the neurons in our brain are firing when there’s black curly hair and an index finger on the chin. And each time you see that happen, those neurons start firing again. When the brain pattern becomes stronger, if you happen to notice someone with an alternate hairstyle touching their chin, you may find yourself wondering if they’ve had a dye job or straightened their hair.”
“So a red haired chin toucher is breaking the rules?”
“Exactly, and it’s the same for these judges. They learned that guns are good and the rules are found in the Bible, and that to question these assumptions is not permitted in the milieu that they live in.”
“I get it.”
With that Johnny said good-bye and rushed out the door, vowing to never eat prunes again for breakfast and worrying about the impact of this ruling on his portable toilet business.
