The Bill

‘Very smooth, Mark, how on earth have you gone so long without a girlfriend? A true mystery…’ Mark wondered contently to himself before he reached down and plucked his wallet from his pocket. He confidently placed it onto the tabletop, then horror-struck when he saw his new driver’s license in a clear pocket on the outside of his wallet. His picture was taken after he was sprayed by a skunk, he looked like a homeless house fire. Mark had no time to think. He snatched the wallet and ID from the table and ducked it out of sight before Julia could see the terrible photo of him.

Julia saw Mark swipe his wallet away, and without a better word to describe her state, she was bewildered.

‘Why would he put his wallet away? He asked for the one bill…’ She thought, ‘…Unless, considering I was the one who jumped the gun and asked for two, it would be rude not to pay now…that must be what he’s trying to tell me. Don’t you worry, Mark, I’ve got this.’

“I apologize for the mix-up before, here is the one bill,” the server returned with the promised single bill.

“No worries, thanks for-” Mark reached for the bill while thanking the server, but Julia had already taken it and was looking at the ‘scary’ numbers. Mark panicked, reached over the table, and snatched the bill out of her hand. Julia saw this as mildly offensive. She took it back.

The server watched as the couple played a game of polite ping-pong over the bill’s possession. It went back and forth for a while, until Mark said “Enough!” and held the bill high and out of reach in the air, “We both want to pay, but fighting like this will never solve our dilemma.”

Julia straightened her attire and answered, “I agree…what do you suggest?” Mark removed his Visa from his wallet, ensuring Julia didn’t see the awful photo of him, and he slapped the card down in front of the server. “We let him choose,” Mark said.

She did the same. Both cards were in front of the server, but he then started to back away, “Oh, no, no, no, I really shouldn’t.”

“Please, mister – sorry, what’s your name?” Mark asked the server.

“…Rob…Robert, sir.”

“Okay, great, Robert, could you please randomly pick one of the cards so that we can be on our way?”

The server started with a slow nod, “Alright…okay, fine.” He huffed and the persona of professionalism faded completely. He picked the cards up, but before he could place them behind his back, Mark cleared his throat to acquire his attention.

Mark was sliding a fifty dollar bill across the table ‘subtly’. He coughed once more to ensure he got the message, then Julia whispered to Robert, “I’ll tip thirty percent, pick mine.” The server rolled his eyes, and Julia spotted Marks ‘bribe’ crawling across the table.

“Hey! That’s not fair!”

“What do you mean?” Mark tried to act oblivious while slipping the cash back into his pocket.

“Oh, don’t play smart with me now. Just because of that, I should get the bill.”

“Oh, please…”

The two of them started to bicker once more, disturbing the peace of an overall calm restaurant. After many attempts to subdue the hostile guests, the server was fed up.

“I’m done!” he declared, “here is the machine, and your cards. I am leaving. When I come back, someone will have paid the bill!” Robert placed the debit machine down in the middle of the table and walked off.

There was a moment of silence between the two of them. Then, as if a referee whistled a game into fruition, they both reached for the machine. They pulled, tussled, and yanked in opposite directions until one jolt was one too many. The debit machine took to the skies like a bird in flight. Unlike a bird, the debit machine had no wings, and after a high soar, it came down to the center of the dining room and into the aquarium with a great splash. The tables around it were soaked, and the debit machine fizzled out immediately.

Both Mark and Julia stared at it with their jaws dangling open in disbelief. All eyes looked to the aquarium, then to the couple responsible. Their server stomped over.

“You both need to leave! You’ve killed all of the fish!” he shouted, exhausted from mediating their battle over the bill.

Mark looked to the aquarium and saw nothing but a debit machine, now dead, sinking in its water.

“But there are no fish, Robert!” Mark said. Nobody laughed, but he was sure it would get a good chuckle one day.

They paid separate bills and left. There was no second date.