2023: My Cancer Scare

In the spring of 2023 an ER doctor in London, Ontario, who was treating me for kidney stones, detected a significant mass on my left kidney. Of all the words you don’t want to hear a doctor say, cancer, the C-word, is probably at the top of the list. A journey of hurrying and waiting began when he said there was a cyst on my kidney that could be cancer. He had a CT scan done, sent me home and the next day phoned me to say I would need to be back for an ultra-sound in roughly two weeks and that he had referred me to a kidney specialist.

By the time the specialist contacted me for an X-ray and appointment, I was stressed. Despite all the Stoic reading and thinking I do, I was in shock, going through the motions as directed, but emotionally numb. When the day arrived, I reported to the X-ray department early and then had a porter take me through the hospital to the specialist’s office who was not prepared to confirm it was cancer. Another CT scan was ordered, this time with a dye, and the kidney stones that I’d originally gone to Victoria Hospital for were gone.

After all of those tests, things settled into a waiting game. It was over a month before I had my next appointment with the specialist. During this time the emotional roller-coaster ride started. Since the first scan by the ER doctor, no one had mentioned cancer, but that was what they were checking me for. I would tell myself that it was still possible it was some kind of non-malignant growth, that nothing would need to be done. However, due my family’s history with cancer, I would feel that it had to be cancer and the possibility of a painful, drawn-out death would haunt me. I used Stoic philosophy to calm me, reminding myself the importance of patience. Nevertheless, my mind kept shifting from one state to the next. The waiting was so hard. Finally, one day, I had a nurse look up my medical files on her laptop. It was very clear to both of us that the growth on my kidney was, indeed, cancer. She gave me a hug and left.

Strangely enough, knowing I had cancer took some of the emotional edge off for a while. I knew what to expect and that was not so nerve-wracking as not knowing for sure. Finally, the specialist called me in for an appointment and I asked a social worker friend of mine to go with me. The specialist confirmed that it was cancer and referred me to who she described was the best surgeon saying she wanted me to have the best care available.  I thanked her and my friend and returned home to wait some more. A few more weeks went by before I got the appointment with the surgeon. During this time, the emotional roller-coast gained speed and I realized I was not so much of a Stoic as I had fancied myself to be.

When the day came to see the surgeon, my niece went to the appointment with me. The surgeon was confident, knowledgeable, and assertive and helped me to understand the surgery in which my kidney would be removed.  I had been having thoughts that if I was going to die, I would prefer to go while I was already unconscious on the operating table, so I was going to ask for a Do Not Resuscitate order on my chart. The surgeon was dead set against that and told me they were there to save my life and if there was a problem they did not want to have to just stand by and watch me die. It hadn’t occurred to me that the surgeon was going to be saving my life; I had been thinking only about dying. So I agreed to waive the DNR.