After lunch,the phone rang again. “Good news!” a cheery voice announced. “You have just won fifty thousand dollars!”
“Wonderful!” I exulted. “Please send me the cheque right away!” I hung up.
Next a caller informed us: “Good news! We’ll be in your area tomorrow and we’ll clean your ducts for twenty percent off.”
“We live in an apartment. We don’t have any ducks. Not even a puppy or kitten.”
“Not ducks. Ducts!”
“Oh, no thank you. Ours are as clean as a teenager’s thoughts.” I ended the call.
The last pre-dinner intrusion was from Free Smokes for Smoke-Frees. “We encourage teen smokers to break the habit, but so that they don’t have to resort to petty crime before they stop, we give them a free pack every two days.” With free cigarettes, what is the incentive to quit, I wondered.
“It sounds like a worthwhile cause. Put me down for a nickel.”
“A nickel? Processing your donation would cost more than that.”
“Oh. Then make it a dime.”
“It’s still too little.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t give any more.” The call ended.
The next day, Spaz brandished his high school trumpet. I was puzzled until the first call, the Chinese Checkers Championship, came in. When Spaz signalled me to hold up the phone, he placed the trumpet against it, and blew a blast that must have left the caller’s head vibrating for several minutes. We received several more calls during the day, but encouragingly, none from the previous day’s solicitors.
The final call of the day came from SPECK: the Society for the Prevention of Egregious Cruelty to Kangaroos. “I don’t know how you feel about this zoological problem,” said the woman caller.
“It makes me hopping mad,” I replied.
“Good. How much will you give?”
“Will that be in Canadian, U.S., or Australian dollars?”
“Preferably Australian.”
“Oh, dear. My bank doesn’t carry Australian money.”
“Why not?”
“The manager once holidayed Down Under, got some tainted beer, and became very sick. Since then, he won’t carry Australian currency.”
“You could go to another bank.”
“And undermine his boycott? After all, he is my half-brother.”
The caller hung up, no richer than she had been.
When Mrs. Tick began preparing dinner, I left. We agreed to wait a few days to see what effect, if any, our campaign had had. At home, I had three phone messages: One from Hank saying that it had been a quiet day at the office …and two solicitations.
