I noticed at least four clowns and I was glad I was not the fifth. There were also nurses, ballerinas, two pirates, a pair of bank robbers (complete with masks and guns), a few cowboys and a couple of politically incorrect First Nations people, a hula dancer in a grass skirt, Tarzan, and a knight in full armour. Maybe I should have added pads and a pair of skates over my shoulder.
The coffee was surprisingly good, so I had a second cup to go with my first hamburger. As time passed, the volume of conversation and the money in the jars both rose. Maybe Mr. Joyner was right: Most people enjoy becoming someone else for a while. I wondered if I should have invited Amanda Friend to accompany me to this event. She might have liked it. I wondered what costume she would have worn.
Then something happened which made me glad she was not there: the two masked men began putting the donation jars into a big bag, although not everyone noticed. Time to earn my fee.
“Gentlemen, I think you’re carrying your impersonation too far.”
One robber pointed a frighteningly realistic gun at me. “Shaddup.” I realized that this was a genuine robbery! I fainted standing up. Evidently I forgot I am a non-violent detective and brought my hockey stick down hard on his wrist. He dropped the gun, but as he did so, it went off. Luckily, the bullet missed me, but it hit the microphone which protested with more pops, shrieks, and whistles before dying.
“Ow!” the would-be robber cried. “You broke my wrist!”
“Well, you broke my hockey stick,” I said in horror, “and it was borrowed.” I knew that hockey equipment is very expensive, and I would have to replace it.
“The second robber tried to flee with the bag of money, but he bumped into the knight and they both fell to the floor with a crash like that of a major auto accident. Tarzan and the cowboys held the aspiring thieves down while someone called the police.
“Well done, Mr. Tuff,” cried Al Joyner.
No, I thought, I resorted to physical violence; now I’m just Mickey Spillane’s Mike Hammer with a teaching certificate.
When the police had taken the felons away and the gym had quieted down, the prizes were awarded. The knight won first prize and he received his cheque with his armour dented, hanging loose, and clanging. The winners had been chosen before the attempted heist and the second-place winners were the two robbers. The money, I thought, will help to pay their lawyer.
Surprisingly, I received third prize for my impersonation of a hockey enforcer. I looked at the cheque and smiled: it and my fee would cover the cost of a new hockey stick.
